Category Archives: Aloneness

A sister

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Nineteen years ago today a sister of mine died from breast cancer. She was a few months shy of her 42nd birthday. I am now older than she was which still seems strange even though I passed her by sometime in late 2004. I suppose that’s how it will be from now on. I now have a kid sister in Heaven.

It was the first event in my life that acquainted me with griefwork, and my reaction to death has shifted over the years. I was numbed by her death, but eventually got over it and got used to the hole in life that used to be filled by her. We were not especially close due to difference in age, but she was there.

My father died in 1995, and I drank through his death. That was how I coped with things. It seemed to work over the previous year or so, so why should death be different?

My Mom died in 2005. I was already sober for a few years and my experience with sobriety told me that this wasn’t something that I should handle on my own. I discovered grief counseling (something that I had assumed was just for extraordinary events like terrorist attacks and natural disasters, not “ordinary” deaths like Moms dying.) and learned that there are a lot of similarities in how grief counselors handle death and how 12-Step movements handle addiction.

The death of a loved one leaves a hole in your soul that needs healing. Grief is that healing. And one feels very alone in grief until you seek others out.

There are two worthwhile links to grief and bereavement sites that I personally found helpful. They have led me to other sites. Scroll down the sidebar…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Leaven: relapsing before the event

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From the Gospel according Mark 8:15
He enjoined them, “Watch out, guard against the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod.”

This was from today’s Gospel reading.

Jesus was warning His disciples against the leaven of the Pharisees and of Herod. Leaven is that substance, such as yeast, which starts the fermentation process by which bread is made.

Since he was specifically singling out dark and evil individuals that were opposed to His teachings, we can surmise that Jesus was warning against the influence of these people. The slightest suggestions, arguments or persuasions may set a person on a course away from Jesus and His Way. The smallest seed of doubt planted can grow into something that may be difficult to uproot.

Such as it is with us alcoholics and addicts. It is said that relapses just do not happen. They don’t suddenly occur. There is the idea that a person mentally relapses which sets up the later action of walking into a liquor store and walking out with a bottle of vodka. Something happened which placed inside the mind of the alcoholic that there was a need for a drink. It does not matter what. But the seed germinated and like a vine wrapped itself around the person’s desires and the relapse happened.

Going to meetings interrupts the thought processes which lead to relapse. As Catholics, we also have additional tools at our disposal.

I believe that the fertile ground for the leaven is isolation. We are alone. Our thoughts develop in separation from each other and also from God. With little positive external input, the darkness grows and your perception is warped and skewed and then after a while the idea of a drink is attractive. And so you drink.

We can end the isolation and dry up the fertile ground through contact with others. One way is found in the bloggings I’ve done under the “Service and Volunteering” labels. Another way is through prayer.

Prayer puts you back on the path to God and orients your mind in the proper way. It interrupts the dark thought processes by which you think that drinking is a nice idea. It cleanses you. It releases and frees you.

Grab your Catholic Bible, whether its the New American Bible used in the USA or another Catholic translation, get it and prayerfully read the Gospels. Meditate on them and slowly absorb and assimilate their wisdom.

Connect with Jesus.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Selfishness – self centeredness!

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“Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root or our troubles.” (from Alcoholics Anonymous , 4th Edition, 2001, page 62.) The paragraph details further aspects of this, namely self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. Another section of the basic text of AA talks about alcoholism as “self-will run riot”. (I can’t find the page, sorry.)

I think the key word in the above paragraph is “self.” Alcoholism can be a world view turned inward upon the self. We alcoholics have certain problems with the world. It is not ordered according to our liking and God did not consult us. Therefore we turn our backs on the world in a selfish manner and seek to recreate it in the fantasies aided by alcohol. This increases our isolation from the world and escalates our negative attitude towards it. The world is an even more unfair.

One thing that AA teaches is that in recovery we have to change how we react to things. Since our worldview was messed up to begin with we reacted in a way in keeping with our delusional, fantastic interpretation. If the world is against us everything is sucked in through that filter. We react in a way that mirrors the world’s perceived hostility. And the world get more hostile.

Therefore we need to change how we react to things. The world is just there. It is indifferent to us, although we are an important part of it. (Hence Jesus’ Death and Resurrection) People do not go around plotting ways to cause our demise or tick us off, although many times it seems that way. Through a slow process of conversion initiated by whatever got us to stop drinking, we gradually begin to reprogram ourselves and change how we interpret the world and what it does. Our recovery starts with an admission of our powerlessness over that which brought us solace (and others pain).

As we continue down this path or recovery, we gradually repair our relationships. Our physical, mental and finally our spiritual healing develops as we also repair our relationship with God and then others.

We can continue this outward sign of our recovery by a further giving of ourselves in service and volunteering. I wrote about this a few days ago. When we give of ourselves without expecting anything in return we enhance that healing and the world looks different. You begin to feel and sense joy.

This is not an overnight happening. It takes time and courage to keep going this route. But the giving of oneself, in a sense almost a sacrificial offering, is a saving act. We are bringing ourselves closer to God. We cannot save ourselves in the sense of meriting heaven by our own efforts, but we can open ourselves to God’s graces by being in service to our community.

The Church teaches that God never sends anyone to Hell. Hell is chosen by those who reject God. Their rejection is so total because they are consumed entirely by the self. There was no room in them for genuine love and sacrifice.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

In service to others

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Most people upon joining AA and other 12-Step programs are quickly told that they should perform service work in the meetings. This usually means picking up and setting up before the meeting, cleaning up afterwards, making coffee, greeting people. This is usually intended to get the new member other-directed, that is, focusing on other people rather than themselves.

It is the start in assisting them in realizing that they are a part of a community of individuals, that in this journey of recovery there is strength in numbers and one needn’t go it alone. In fact, isolation or a solitary program is almost a guarantee of relapsing. In some way, forever, you have to connect with other people and maintain that community.

Service work, or volunteering as I now prefer to call it, is an excellent way to “get outside yourself”. Once you learn the skills of giving of yourself without expecting anything in return, the benefits to yourself are measureless.

One neat saying I’ve learned in AA is that “your mind is a bad neighborhood to be caught alone in”. Without connecting to other people, without learning of their problems and troubles and maybe trying to help them (and much is appreciated in the trying) your only alternative is isolating yourself in your mind and being subject to all the self-defeating and dark thoughts that resurface. Volunteering lets other people into your life, and there are no strings attached (No pay. There is little or no economic gain or risk). This lets light into your life and you realize that others like you simply for being.

Being other-directed distracts you from your own troubles. Witnessing other people’s problems contrasts with your own and yours don’t seem so bad.

Volunteering may also help you in performing whatever for-pay job you have. Working as a volunteer detaches you from the economic strings associated with a job. Liberated from the fear of economic need, you can focus on the tasks at hand and improve your professional behavior. (In other words, you are freed from the fear of getting fired, after all, you’re not getting paid, so if you’re dismissed…)

Volunteer somewhere. Serve.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

"…before you were born I dedicated you…"

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Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you…”

This was taken from the First Reading of the Mass today, the Fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time.

Meditate upon that. Think about that the next time you’re feeling worthless and discouraged. Especially of when others are tearing you down because of your alcoholism or addictions. Despite all that, God held you in His Mind and contemplated you from all eternity. And He had a plan for your life. Alcoholism may have in some way been a part of that plan, as strange as that seems. Sometimes we discover the whys of it in recovery. It can be a healing and a fulfillment. A point of joy or a reason for resentment. If the former, then the healing occurs. If the latter, then the addiction may never be overcome.

Knowing that God knew you and loved you before you were born sheds a certain perspective on the whole thing, and how one chooses to react is telling.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)