Category Archives: Me

Ten Years Sober, today

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Today marks the 10th anniversary of my sobriety.

I was trying to come up with some wise and profound reflections to mark the event, but nothing much came up. Kind of sad really, but ten years is still ten years. A remarkable accomplishment, if I say so myself considering what my very early period of AA meeting attendance was like and that it took about 7 months of attendance before I sobered up. And that was largely due to being physically unable to go to a liquor store to resupply myself, rather than some “spiritual awakening as a result of the Steps.”

Perhaps that is one of the reasons I relapsed in May of 2002. Not to place blame or credit where any is due, but I had just nonchalantly wandered into my favorite liquor store one May day and bought a pint of vodka. I remember feeling alternately stressed over an impending visit by a family member (a usual cause of stress in those days) but also feeling good. I puzzled over all that wayback then. I gave up trying to discern the why’s of my return to drinking after 3 1/2 months, it just happened for whatever reason. Three-and-a-half months of sobriety isn’t much to mull over.

And so I drank again for a couple of weeks. On May 21, 2002 I went to an AA meeting at my Home Group and read “How It Works” from the “Big Book” with a slurred voice. And so the meeting became about me. It is the custom that when a member relapses, the others in attendance discuss the first 3 Steps. I do not remember anything that was said, except feeling shamed and grateful.

I returned the next day, and it was a newcomer’s meeting. (My old Home Group did not have the custom of separating newcomers from old timers. All were grouped together.) I left, feeling like a hypocrite.How could I say that AA worked when I had failed? That was my thinking.I left because I felt I had zero credibility. Irresponsible, yes. But that is what I did.

I went to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and afterwards stopped by my favorite liquor store again and bought a liter of vodka. I nursed myself to sleep with that, later that evening.

When I awakened the next day, that would be the last sleep I would have for 88 hours…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

On the Eve of my Sobriety Anniversary: 10th Year

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May 22nd 2012 is the 10th anniversary of my sobriety. Earlier this year, in February, I had posted about what would have been my original sobriety date: An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 1 and An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 2

In those posts I had mentioned that when the real sobriety date turns up, I’d blog about it. This is mainly due to a need to add to my “drunkalogue”, and also as I had never written down some really interesting hallucinations that I had experienced during the 88 hours of sleeplessness I endured and survived.

So, I’ll be back with some hopefully poignant thoughts and reflections on the date, and later with the the hallucinations.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 2

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I do not know what happened later in the evening, but for some reason I had to get out of the house. I do not remember at all what was “terrorizing” me, but I had to leave the house. Maybe my teeth were “falling out” and I had to run to, I don’t know, the hospital maybe, but I had to get out. I do recall freaking out and scaring my Mom. I got out of the house and was running around out front. Bear in mind that this was February, in Central New York State. Very cold and snowy and I wasn’t dressed for it. My Mom was running outside pleading with me to go back in. I kept yelling at her to go back inside. (She wasn’t wearing her robe or coat.) For some reason, perhaps my guardian angel was grabbing onto me, but I felt restrained from pushing my Mom back inside. I recall getting really angry with her, but felt restrained in doing anything about it.

There was an audience. The staff and residents of the nursing home across the street were watching.

I think I got back inside the house. Not for long as I was back outside. Mom had called 911 (maybe I told her to). And so I was outside waiting for the ambulance to come and get me. (Maybe this was when she was trying to get me back inside.)

I remember hallucinating that there was a parade of ambulances driving down the street, avoiding my house. I kept getting angry that they weren’t stopping. I kept shouting and waving for them to stop and get me.

Finally, a real ambulance actually did stop. I was being wrapped up in a straight-jacket. The family from next door had returned from somewhere and had gathered around watching all this while I was screaming at the EMT guys that I was the Mayor and “don’t you know who I am?” I swear the EMT guys were trying to figure out if I was telling the truth, but that may have been a part of the hallucination. But I do think they were asking each other about that.

I also remember hallucinating that a TV crew from the New York Times was out front in the street filming. Yes, I know they’re a newspaper and not a TV network, but “New York Times” is what it said on the cameras. This is MY hallucination. Maybe the EMT’s had radioed that the Mayor was drunk and being taken away in a straight-jacket and they heard and sent a film crew to cover it. (I did not claim to be the Mayor of New York City, just of the small town I lived in.)

I don’t remember anything else of that day. I don’t remember the trip to the ER or the initial few hours at the hospital. I actually don’t remember too much of the hospital, outside of urinating in the hallway by the nurse’s station, getting really ticked off when I kept getting awakened in the middle of the night to be given a sleeping pill, and also having my Confession heard for the first time in years. (I was assigned 55 Hail Mary’s for penance.)

I was there for 6 days and $10,500. I paid it all off over the next 3 1/2 years from savings. I was unemployed and had no health insurance. People NOW tell me I might have been eligible for Medicaid, and that might have paid for it. Sure, NOW I’m told that. The $10,500 would be very handy about now.

Well, that is it for now. More hallucination stories are on their way, especially when I get to May 2002. (Not going to wait for May 2012 to write about them. Perhaps over the next few weeks or so.)

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 1

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Ten years ago today would have been the 10th anniversary of my sobriety date. I relapsed 3 1/2 months later, in May 2002. Why I did that is a matter of pointless pondering and contemplation. After only a few months of sobriety, the why’s are useless. One doesn’t have enough of sobriety, the tools haven’t settled in. I know some old-timers in AA who disregard relapse stories if the sufferer had less than 5 years of sobriety. To me, the cutoff is 1 year. Perhaps 2.

Anyway, I kind of dimly remember the events of February 3, 2002. Most of it is fuzzy. As a consequence of that this post may not sound all that sensible. I don’t much care as I was thinking yesterday that since this is the year of 10th anniversaries for me and my recovery and reversion to the Church, I think I’ll start documenting all that. Memory is strange and I’ll remember what I can. So, SoberCatholic.com may start to resemble one of those “personal blogs” of recovery so popular in the recovery community. It hasn’t, after all, been too terribly successful in generating a groundswell of support in favor of a Catholic-based recovery community or movement. So it may as well be a personal blog, documenting my recovery and reversion.

I had stopped drinking earlier in the day, and was prone to withdrawal symptoms after just a few hours or so. Based on the calendar I just checked, it was a Sunday, and I might have missed Mass for “not feeling well.”

Throughout the day I became aware of problems with my teeth. They seemed to be loosening. I remember I kept going into the bathroom and checking myself in the mirror. Yes, the teeth seemed to me to be wobbly, and also splitting down the middle. This concerned me and I kept telling my Mom that I think I “need to go to the dentist tomorrow”. For some reason she didn’t seemed all that interested. (Who knows what she must have been thinking, my behavior the previous few weeks was erratic. To say the least.)

So. My teeth seemed to me to be loosening and on the verge of falling out.

And then I got scared…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Out of touch

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As the owner/operator of a niche blog I more than likely exist along the margins or back alleys of the Catholic blogosphere. Not that I don’t have any friends or contacts amongst other bloggers, ’cause I do. However, due to a variety of circumstances within and beyond my control, I just haven’t paid too much attention to what other bloggers have been doing these past few months. Sometimes it is a hassle to keep up with all the writing going on. At times the information overload is a bit boggling. That is no excuse for not reading a select few blogs though. So, if you have posted something that you’d hope I’d notice in the past couple 2-3 months, I didn’t. That will be rectified as my blog reader still has posts going back that far. So, the select few blogs that I should be paying attention to shall get some belated love over the holidays.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

9 1/2…

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…years of sobriety for me. So far, so good as I trudge my road. Seen better times, been through worse. All in all, stuff is OK.

God, grant me the Serenity,

to Accept the things I can,

Courage to change the things I can’t,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Novena to St. Michael the Archangel, Day 8

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On this 8th day of the Novena, we pray for the strength of perseverance in Faith.

The main reason why I started this blog, and the failed social networks involving Catholic addiction, is that too often in 12 Step meeting rooms (and online gatherings) I’ve seen Catholics leave the Church.

I feel it is my duty to stem the tide. I doubt I’ve been very successful, being only one person, but I shall continue anyway.

Why do they leave? It is my conviction that there is excessive moral relativism in the rooms, as well as the sin of indifferentism. Moral relativism is subjective morality, in that morality is situational and based on feelings and not on objective truth. Objective truth means that morality is fixed in terms of things which are always right or always wrong. Indifferentism means that all religions are the same. “It doesn’t matter which one you belong to, as long as you believe.”

Nonsense, if you are a follower of Christ and believe in the accuracy of Divine Revelation.

The idea of a Higher Power may be fine for non-believers or non-Christians, but for Catholics and other Christians the only real Higher Power is Jesus, God Incarnate. If you make anything other than Jesus your Higher Power, you are engaging in idolatry.

Twelve step groups have increasingly led people astray in their Faith. They develop a watered-down Catholicism or depart for a non-denominational Church. The leave the Church that Jesus, the Divine Physician, established with all the healing Sacraments and Saints.

(((sigh)))

We take the Faith and live it. We don’t trade it in for something else, “as long as I don’t take a drink today, I’m OK. I’ve got my Higher Power!” We take the Faith, apply the Gospel to our daily lives, find healing in the Sacraments, and respond to the Gospel’s message by carrying it to others. In doing “good works” we spread the Gospel by our actions (service and volunteering, acts of charity) or by word (conversing or bearing witness to others).

Now, to the Novena:

Begin the prayer with: O God, come to my assistance. O Lord, make haste to help me. Glory be to the Father…, etc.

By the intercession of St. Michael and the celestial Choir of Archangels may the Lord give us perseverance in faith and in all good works in order that we may attain the glory of Heaven. Amen.

[Say one Our Father and three Hail Marys after your intentions for fidelity to the Faith.]

To say the entire Chaplet, click here:
Chaplet of St. Michael

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Clearing your mind of distractions

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There was a commercial that ran on American TV a decade ago. I do not remember for what product. Anyway, it featured Phil Jackson, the Head Coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, as a cab driver. Some high-powered looking lawyer/executive couple (man and woman) had simultaneously climbed into the back seat of his cab and gave differing destinations. If I recall, they were confused about them. Cabbie Phil spouted a New-Agey philosophical observation on “Clearing your mind of all distractions and focusing on the business at hand is pivotal.” (I wrote it down as I was in early sobriety and was keen on extracting bits of wisdom from any source. I copied it into my Big Book.)

Some other time, doesn’t matter when as I watched re-runs of it whenever I could, I saw an episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” entitled Birthright, Part II (Via Memory Alpha, the Star Trek Wiki.) In it, there is a scene in which Lt. Worf is doing the “mok’bara”, which I always took to be Klingon Tai chi chuan (Via Wikipedia.). As he is explaining the practice, he says “The form clears the mind, and centers the body.” (I wrote that down too, in my Big Book. Still in early sobriety at the time.)

Perhaps developing a ritual in that which is important come first: Matthew 6:33: “Seek ye therefore first the kingdom of God, and his justice, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Via DRBO.)

Begin the day with prayer and meditation (See: Keeping Your Head on Straight, Part 1 (Regular Daily Prayer) and Keeping Your Head on Straight, Part 2 (Regular Daily Prayer)) Then write and blog for however long until the feeling of “being productive” hits.

Save email, RSS feeds and daily news reviewing as well as social network checking in for some time AFTER a measure of blogging and writing have been done. Same goes for all the “tools” for getting organized. Look at those at the end of the day to get an idea of what the next day holds and then glance at them after the hour or so of creative work.

The “form” clears the mind of all distractions and centers the body, so that focusing on the business at hand is possible. Huh. Maybe.

I just wrote Faithful in small matters. This is sort of a follow-up.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Faithful in small matters

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I am struggling with a few things. (So what else is new?) If I were to time travel back a few years and report on this to a past self this would be a little surprising to that old self given that I am more successful in life now than I had been in any previous period.

The main thing I am struggling with is time for my writing and blogging. I have a full-time job consisting of four shifts, each of ten hours. Add to that the time for the commute and a nice home life, four days out of my week are accounted for. The remaining three days never seem like enough to do what I need and want. “Wow! I have 3 days off!” Real life things seem to crop up, as they do for everyone. This isn’t a complaint, just an observation. I actually like real life. It is just a bit messy. My real life has a lot of neat things in it that kind of get in the way of my creative efforts. But real writers and bloggers have that stuff going on, too, and they seem to have time for their creative work.

Two words: “Time management”.

I can do better with that. One thing I had contemplated was changing jobs (never easy for me) to one that is a more normal one of 5, eight hour days.

But the thought occurred to me that this would give me just more time to do non-writing things. “Work expands to fill the time allotted it” is a saying I found sometime ago. I think it is also true that “anything” expands to fill the time allotted it. Or, the conflicting thought that in working 5 days I would have one more day to be too tired from work and not write or blog that day, either, as well as having real life stuff take up more of the two remaining days.

I can be complicated, especially in regards to time.

Which comes back to those two words: “time management”.

So, how to do that? There’s all sorts of “Getting Things Done” courses and computer applications to help you better organize your time. Yeah, like they would work for me.

I was in Eucharistic Adoration (my weekly Holy Hour) and the following scriptural passage drifted across my brain:

Matthew 25:21: “His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.'”

(Via USCCB.)

It was the ending of the parable of the talents, in which a Master gave 3 servants different amounts of money, 2 of them did well with the gifts and were rewarded with more, one failed and was punished.

So, in thinking of that, I decided that time can be treated in this manner. Make the most out of the gift of time that you have and do not squander it. I am aware that this is no stunningly original realization, millions have latched onto this notion as a motivating factor to do things before they run out of time. But this is from a Christian angle. We are given a limited amount of time on Earth. We are all called to do God’s will and to help establish the kingdom of God here on Earth. Treat time as a currency that we invest in building God’s kingdom on Earth so that ultimately we are rewarded with the greeting from the passage.

Rather than asking for more time to do certain things like write and blog, perhaps instead I shall endeavor to make the best use of the time I already have. Maybe in doing this, a better job opportunity may somehow present itself to me in which I will have subsequently more hours to write and blog. (Such as online writing work that pays?)

I am not treating this as an “if/then” statement. Like: “If I write more with the time I already have available, then God will give me a better job.” That’s simplistic and formulaic. But perhaps the more disciplined life that results from this will have a correspondingly more productive effect on other areas of life, especially writing and blogging.

This isn’t the first time I’ve tried “time management”, but perhaps things were too chaotic for my meager attempts before. Life is somewhat more stable (relatively speaking). Anyway, as long as one always picks oneself up after a fall, failure can’t be conceded.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Faith and Transitions

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Over the past few months there have been a number of ongoing transitions in my life. Changes at work and such were particularly debilitating, and I feared the ability to cope with it all. This is just a short post as I am testing something out with this blog, and I just needed to quickly state something simple and obvious. That if it wasn’t for my faith might not have made it through as well as I did. I used the “trials” as a way to learn about myself and my relationship with God, and how through prayer, you really do establish a partnership with the Lord.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)