Drunkalogue

Posted on January 17, 2007 by paulcoholic

I never drank regularly until I was 29. (I’m almost 44 as of this writing.) I never drank in high school, did drink in college but no where near as much as most (and this was wayback when the drinking age was 18). I started drinking when I was living in southern California and became friends with people who drank. Not their fault, it seemed the thing to do, and so I did it.

For the first few years I was just a social drinker, then turned to alcohol as a solution to my troubles when a failed romance with a gorgeous lady preceded a job loss. Alcohol seemed to numb the pain, and I was in a lot of pain. I remember wanted to commit suicide. I wandered to a liquor store at 8:30AM where I was going to get something to wash down the sleeping pills I planned on getting at the nearby 7-11. The liquor store was closed so I walked over to the 7-11 to get the pills. I looked everywhere, including where I thought they’d be. Nope, nowhere. By this time I figured the liquor store was open, which it was, and I proceeded to buy a bottle (probably at least 2) of Captain Morgan’s Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum. That was good, I forgot about the sleeping pills and for the next month Capt. Morgan was my companion for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

After this initial bout of practical alcoholism, I leveled out and became a functional alcoholic. I held various temp jobs, until I relocated home to be a caregiver for my elderly mother. The drinking was reduced for the next few years and was not noticeable by anyone. (Trust me on this, there were people around who would have loved to expose my drinking if they knew. I was not impaired while tending to Mom.)

I discovered a new and promising career after Mom got better, and I thought that things were going to be improved as the drinking was problematic at worse, lubrication and courage at best.

The new career was getting better. Making friends and getting a promotion seemed to prove I was getting established, albeit later than most. And the drinking didn’t seem to be in the way of anything.

The promotion became bad news. I was in over my head, and on a good day was treading water, on a bad day, sinking. Remembering the past, I turned more to alcohol for problem solving than for lubrication.

It was noticed once (on my breath), but I denied it and that was that for almost a half year. Eventually problems at work mounted, my response was more drinking. I drank when I woke up in the morning, I drank when I pulled into the company parking lot, I drank on breaks, during lunch, before meetings. This was obviously noticed, and took its toll. Eventually my denials were disbelieved. Falling asleep in the corporate cafeteria, in the men’s room, throwing up in the men’s room (heard outside), talking looooong lunches, irritable and erratic behavior was rendering moot my denials.

I was twice sent home early, both times escorted out of the building by veeps, and driven home by my superiors.

Eventually I was told to go to detox and rehab if I wanted to keep my job. I was assessed at a alcoholic treatment facility (yes, I have a problem) and they didn’t believe what I was doing to their breathalyzer. The BAC readings varied throughout the day. It went up. It went down. It went up. It went down. They had never heard of this. I couldn’t go home until I zero’ed out. They thought I had smuggled alcohol in. I didn’t. (There was some in the car, and I was worried about withdrawal.) Eventually I was transferred over to a place where I would have gone for detox, because they were open 24 hours, and I can stay there temporarily until I zero’ed out on their breathalyzer. But I was doing the same strange things to theirs. Eventually the BAC got below legal limit (but not zero) and I signed something waiving them of any responsibility in case I had an accident on the way home. I stilled any withdrawal symptoms when I got back to my car, and drove home.

Although I support any laws against drunk driving, and punishments for such can be as severe as society deems needed, I was one of those alcoholics that was able to drive while under the influence. Someone was watching over me, for whatever reason.

I rejected detox and rehab. I just felt that the rigidity of the controlled life in rehab (and the eventual halfway house) would not work for me. Years later when I saw the daily schedule of a Benedictine monastery, it reminded me of the rehab center’s schedule, only more libertine.

I lost the job, which was fine as I detested it (though I now enjoy the knowledge I learned which I find useful today. No, don’t ask what it was.) I started going to AA meetings. A family member found me a local daily meeting.

I went, listened, and read the literature. I love listening and reading. I am good at both. But I also loved drinking and kept doing it. Going to AA meetings was one way I could get out of the house to stop off at a liquor store and get vodka. Eventually, like after a few days, AA meetings stressed me and caused anxiety, so I had a few shots of vodka to get fortified before going in. It also gave me an infused knowledge of AA philosophy, which I shared at meetings. I could expound on AA.

After 7 months of this, the alcohol started taking its toll on my health. I was also making an increasingly bigger idiot at AA meetings. I was physically weak, and my drinking fell of as I found it difficult to drive to the liquor stores. I managed during days of some strength to get to one and stock up, but eventually I just could not do that. I went into withdrawal, had the D.T.’s and hallucinations (teeth falling out and later armadas of ambulances parading up and down my street, passing me by.) eventually a real one stopped, bound me up in a little white jacket and hauled me to the local hospital where I was a guest for 6 days and $10,500 (by now paid off, by my efforts).

That concluded my drinking career. (I relapsed 3 1/2 months later, but that’s a post for some other time.). I did not stop drinking because I did AA’s Step 1 (“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”). I stopped drinking because I couldn’t get to a liquor store, and stayed mostly stopped because I dried out in the hospital. The relapse story can wait.

That’s it for now. Not as shocking or as scary as you’d find in AA literature or told in AA Newcomer meetings, but that’s my story. Thank you for reading.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Reversion story

Posted on January 6, 2007 by paulcoholic

First, why I left the Church to begin with. I was a cradle Catholic, born, bred and educated. (Parochial school, K-8. Altar boy.) Although I believed everything taught me, I guess I segregated Catholicism to a corner of my life, and never used it as a filter through which everything is seen. If you live your Faith, then this is necessary, otherwise you’ll have a Faith with an Achilles’ heel. Anyway, I was going through a very bad period in life, kept praying for God to deliver me from it, and that never happened. I started doubting that God was listening, or even cared, and gradually turned to believing that religion was just a bunch of hooey designed as an instrument of control by the powerful, or used as a crutch by the weak. I left the Church and suddenly things started getting better.

So much for that.

Flash forward about 8 years when I was standing inside a bookstore and saw a copy of the new Catechism. “First one in 400 years,” the blurb on the cover said. I picked it up and read the first few paragraphs and was impressed by the writing. And so I bought it. Not that it was really significant as I was a “spiritual but not religious” seeker, and Catholicism was as good a target as any, and I thought I can just pick and choose amongst its teachings, like in a cafeteria. Glanced through it and put it aside, along with stuff on Zen and such. But a seed was planted.

Then a few months later my father died. I returned home for the funeral and despite having a few shots of vodka in me, I paid attention to the sermon. It seemed as if the priest was speaking to me. I do not remember what he said, but it seemed relevant and I had never really felt that way about any homily. The seed was watered.

A few months after that I moved back home to tend to my sick and elderly mother, and needed to go to Mass, not that I wanted too, but because I didn’t want to break her heart about how I felt about the Church. I went out of habit and not desire, and with the increasing alcoholism I paid attention less and depended on liquor more. This continued for several years and I guess during this time the seed was watered ever more. Mom probably suspected something and started praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet. She taught it to me with the daily airings on EWTN and especially on Divine Mercy Sunday. To my surprise I kept paying attention more. I still drank, but the seed planted years earlier was starting to take root.

I’ll skip over some things that’ll be covered in my ‘drunkalogue’ when I get to writing it within the next few days, but drinking got worse, I lost a nice job, developed health problems associated with drinking and ended up in the hospital. After leaving, I did nothing but watch EWTN, and read a lot of books that were laying about.

I had been going to AA meetings, but I knew early on that the brand of spirituality offered there was not going to do the job. I knew the 12 steps were going to help, but I needed something more that a vague concept of a “Higher Power”, which could be anything from God of your own making, to AA itself, to a tree stump. In the back of my mind I had known that if God was behind religion, and that religion was not a human construct, then Judeo-Christianity was it, as expressed by the Catholic Church. Bear in mind that I never doubted or disbelieved in God. Atheism was never an option. The idea that all of what you see about you and out to a few billion light-years just came into being on its own accord is ludicrous. But that’s another post for some other time. And so the seed sprouted and started to grow.

AA’s Step Three reads “Made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God, as you understood Him.” OK, I figured that with 2,000 years of history, the Church understood God better than I ever could. And despite its history it is still around, which tells me that Someone wants it around. You cannot explain that why with all the bad leadership from time to time, schism, heresy, scandal and corruption, a plague or two, wars, invading hordes, how the Church survives. Therefore I can hardly do better than to come full around and start attending Mass willingly, and going to Confession regularly and accept the Catholic Church as the One, Holy, Catholic (i.e. Universal) and Apostolic Faith established by Jesus Christ to teach and defend His Gospel. Step 3 implies that there is no reservation, no holding back, which eliminated any “picking and choosing”. No “cafeteria Catholic” here.

And so that’s that. Been sober continuously since May 22, 2002, and shortly thereafter started willingly going to Mass (daily, sometimes!!) and Confession every 2-3 weeks.

I’ve been hit with 2×4’s on occasion since, namely my Mom’s death in November 2005, and the Faith has pulled me through. So my reversion wasn’t due to vulnerability, ‘soft-headedness’ or any such thing. If that were so, then it would have collapsed.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Hi, I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic!

Posted on January 5, 2007 by paulcoholic

Give yourself a few points if you’re automatic reaction was to say “Hi, Paul!” It means you’ve been to some 12-Step Meetings and know the routine. The purpose of this blog is to fulfill a need I’ve had, and one that I haven’t found addressed sufficiently elsewhere. And that is to show how the richness and beauty of the Catholic Christian Faith and its centuries-old spirituality can be invaluable in keeping oneself sober. It can be applied to other addictions, too, but I will be writing about only what I know, and that is alcoholism.

I will be bringing into this blog only my own experience, strength and hope. I am not a psychologist, counselor or therapist. I am just a recovered alcoholic who reverted to the Faith after years of being away. My full reversion was soon after I stopped drinking and started paying attention at 12-Step meetings. I know the Catholic Faith pretty well, and the 12-Steps of AA. In another post I will tell my reversion story, and in another I will go on and on with my drunkalogue.

In “Sober Catholic” I will be writing about how I have used the Sacraments and devotions of the Church in keeping and maintaining my sobriety. I will write about the Mass and Eucharistic Adoration; about going to Confession and how it utilizes the 12-Steps if you use it the way it’s supposed to be used. I will tell you about how reading the Bible is necessary, usually around meditating on daily Mass readings. I will describe how meditating on the Rosary, the Divine Mercy Chaplet and the Stations of the Cross enriches your soul. I will write about the importance of maintaining a regular prayer life, and how that is essential in keeping your head focused. I will discuss the seasons of the Church’s liturgical year and how they are a great way of getting though the calendar. I will also talk about various saints, particularly around their feast days.

A tall order, and I’ll get to each in due time. I may also babble on occasion about off-topic stuff, but that’ll be minimal.

In short, my name is Paul, I’m an alcoholic, and a Catholic, and I’ll be writing about both.

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)