Category Archives: Resentment

WWJD

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There’s a fad, mostly over, I think, concerning how a Christian should behave in a particular situation. “WWJD,” as in “What Would Jesus Do?” The implication is that He would be “nice.”

There’s a joke going around the Internet which suggests that whenever asked, “WWJD?,” you should state something like: “An acceptable response might be to grab a rope, make a whip out of it and go berserk against wrongdoers.”

An excerpt from the Gospel from today’s Mass for the Third Sunday of Lent:

John 2: 15-16

“And when he had made something like a whip out of little cords, he drove them all out of the temple, including the sheep and the oxen. And he poured out the brass coins of the moneychangers, and he overturned their tables.

And to those who were selling doves, he said: “Take these things out of here, and do not make my Father’s house into a house of commerce.””

via Catholic Public Domain Version of the Sacred Bible.

Jesus was angry. If you’ve been in a Twelve Step recovery program long enough, you’ll hear things like “anger is best used by people who can handle it,” which is essentially correct as we alcoholics, even after a long time in sobriety, have a difficult time with anger. We dwell on those things that make us angry, we obsess about them, and sometimes resentments develop.

Does this mean we should never become angry? An impossible task if you ask me. So it could suggest that we should “pick and choose” what we get angry about.

Of course, this takes practise. A recitation of the “Serenity Prayer” often throughout the day might help.

Also, anticipation of things that might happen during the course of your day is good, too. In any given normal day, certain situations arise which typically might make you want to reach for a whip and drive people away from you because they are annoying or irritating. Would that we could.

So plan ahead.

Another thing: the world is crazy and getting crazier. You might want to “pick and choose” what news you pay attention to. Don’t become an ostrich and plant your head in the sand and ignore the world; just be careful regarding your news intake (however you manage it – news sites, social media feeds, whatever.)

But what about righteous anger? Again, sometimes that “is best used by people who can handle it.” But I think that as Catholic Christians we should not take the easy way out and say that because “we’re alcoholics and addicts, we can’t deal with social problems since our sobriety might be threatened.” We have access to the Sacraments, namely the Mass and the Eucharist to help give us strength and courage. We can get interested in life issues, homelessness and poverty. We are called to do that. Within our means and abilities, yes, but we should not ignore problems for others to handle.

Again, the Serenity Prayer can help. Also the realization that we can do things in solidarity with others.

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Cursed is the man who trusts in human beings

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Do you trust others? Rely on people? We all do, to a certain extent. But not everyone is completely trustworthy. We alcoholics know this too well, in part because we were oftentimes the one least trusted.

Nevertheless, God revealed to the prophet Jeremiah in the First Reading from today’s Mass for THursday of the Second Week of Lent that:

Jeremiah 17:5

“Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is a man who trusts in man, and who establishes what is flesh as his right arm, and whose heart withdraws from the Lord.”

via Catholic Public Domain Version of the Sacred Bible.

Place not your full trust in humans. Everyone will let you down to varying degrees. Some people only in small ways (human nature, easily forgiven) but others in deeper, more fundamental ones.

“Jesus, I trust in You.” Place your recovery in His hands.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Forgive us our trespasses

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Have people wronged you? Have you wronged others? Of course, you cannot go through life without experiencing either event. As much as we are loath to admit it, we have screwed over quite a lot of people over the decades of our lives.

We can ask forgiveness. If it is not possible to seek forgiveness of those we have harmed, we can still go straight to God.

However, there’s a catch. In order for our sins to be forgiven, it is contingent upon our forgiving others for actions committed against us. We cannot expect to be forgiven if we do not extend that to others.

It’s hard. Sometimes we feel that in not forgiving we are not surrendering to those who have harmed us; that in not “letting go” we are still binding them to our pain and grief. Fact is, they’ve likely moved on and have forgotten the incident, or worse, don’t care. So in holding onto the resentment, we are in fact letting them continue to defeat us, without their ever doing anything.

So, forgive. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You needn’t seek out the person and make up. It might be nice, but it is not always desireable. Some relationships are best left in the past.

But you can cut the ties that bind you to the emotions of the thing they did to you. You can forgive them and finally “let it go.”

The Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Matthew, from today’s Mass on the Tuesday of the First Week of Lent:

And when praying, do not choose many words, as the pagans do. For they think that by their excess of words they might be heeded.

Therefore, do not choose to imitate them. For your Father knows what your needs may be, even before you ask him.

Therefore, you shall pray in this way: Our Father, who is in heaven: May your name be kept holy.

May your kingdom come. May your will be done, as in heaven, so also on earth.

Give us this day our life-sustaining bread.

And forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation. But free us from evil. Amen.

For if you will forgive men their sins, your heavenly Father also will forgive you your offenses.

But if you will not forgive men, neither will your Father forgive you your sins.

via Catholic Public Domain Version of the Sacred Bible.

Recite the prayer, slowly and prayerfully. Especially the last few lines on forgiveness.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Those who are healthy do not need a physician

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Today’s Lenten post is an excerpt from the Gospel for today’s Mass for the Saturday after Ash Wednesday.

Luke 5: 31-32

“And responding, Jesus said to them: “It is not those who are well who need a doctor, but those who have maladies. I have not come to call the just, but sinners to repentance.”

via Catholic Public Domain Version of the Sacred Bible.

I know I have blogged about this passage before, given its significance for us alcoholics. For we are truly sick and in need of a physician. Who better than the Divine Physician, Jesus, who heals all?

In fact, His healing didn’t stop with His Earthly life, it continued on ever afterward in the Church He established. The Catholic Church is the repository of His mission: to preserve intact the Gospel message, free from error and heresy, to preach it to the nations, and to continue healing the broken and wounded. The sacraments offer healing. Avail yourself of them. Go to Confession and receive the Eucharist at Mass. Pray before th Blessed Sacrament.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Death! Where is your sting?

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NOTE: this post is a version slightly edited from The Four Last Things. “O death! You separate those who are joined to each other in marriage. You harshly and cruelly divide those whom friendship unites. But your power is broken. Your heinous yoke has been destroyed by the One who sternly threatened you when Hosea cried out: O Death! I shall be your death. And with the words of the apostle we, too, deride you: O death! Where is your victory? O death! Where is your sting!

Your conqueror redeemed us. He handed himself over to wicked men so that he could transform the wicked into persons who were truly dear to him.” – St. Braulio, Bishop.

The above is from the Office of Readings in the Office of the Dead from the Liturgy of the Hours. I said that this morning instead of the usual Divine Office as today is the ninth anniversary of my Mom’s death.

I still haven’t gotten completely over it. Who really does “get over” death? Perhaps some unfortunates.

I posted the above quote from St. Braulio to give comfort and to remind you that there is hope in the Resurrection. I also post it to remind those that harbor resentments that the clock is ticking. Once people are gone, they’re gone. Amends can no longer be made.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Obsessing! And for what?

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All that worrying…

A few days ago on one of the online recovery sites I’m a member of, I posted a reply to someone who bashed belief in a Higher Power. He was all about multiple paths to sobriety, which is fine. I agree with that. If you’re into a non-spiritual, non-religious method, great, as long as it works and you are sober. But he couldn’t “get” AA or the Big Book, hated being “preached to” about “recovery industry dogma” and subsequently called belief a nasty word.

I charitably pointed out that his attack on belief was in contradiction to his desire for tolerance for his own path. I didn’t call him a hypocrite, even though he was being one. I wished him well on his path, and also that he gets peace (for he indeed seem angry, irritable and resentful). That’s all. I was careful to phrase things so as to be not unkind (because if I have a mind to, I can easily tear you to shreds using the written word. But I was careful.)

That was the last thing I did before going off to work. All the way to work I regretted posting my reply, for although I wasn’t angry or hostile, most of the replies in his thread to that point were backing his viewpoint, and I expected there to be a “flame war.” And I really didn’t wish to be a part of one. It has been my experience in some online forums (not always, but often enough to cause me this fear) that people hostile to belief (including the “tolerance and diversity” crowd) tend to overreact when faith or belief is mentioned, even casually. Or, if not some of his supporters, then he’d get all hostile. I know that believers can sometimes be obnoxious and go ballistic, too. Hence my own restraint.

But, being me, I tend to obsess about things, and my regret over replying to this person dominated my thoughts en route to work, and pretty much all morning. As a result, I was mentally preparing all sorts of responses to every reply I anticipated, planning and preparing for all sorts of conceivable responses I’d read. So, more time wasted obsessing. And chastising myself for replying in the first place.

I tend to avoid online debates because of what AA’s “Big Book” says about anger and resentment, etc. I can easily obsess about “DON’T YOU KNOW JUST HOW WRONG YOU ARE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? LET ME GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND AND CORRECT YOUR THINKING!!!!” and such. I am never this way in real life. At least I don’t think so. I guess in my alcoholism, I can exhibit “troll” behavior when online. There are clouds of wounded and dying electrons dotting the internet circa the late 1990s early 2000s. As such, I typically avoid online debating. I forget about this and pay a price, now and then. The result of which is that I renew my resolve. I do once in a while get into a discussion over something relatively innocuous, only to get my dander up when the other person just cannot see the wisdom and rationality of my point. But no major political or religious debates. Which kills me as I’m rather political and religious.

But anyway, after a while I got over my posting and just focused on my work.

And so when I got home, first thing I do when getting online is to log into that site and look for the carnage.

Nothing. A few replies that were supportive, some critical. Where’s mine???? I scroll up and down.

GONE! Deleted!!!!!!! I know it was posted as I was getting notifications from the thread.

Wow. I guess it struck a nerve he couldn’t handle, or something.

“All that worrying.”

My lesson, which I need beaten into me, and rooted in the Big Book, “No more posts of that kind. No more engaging in online discussions like that. Maybe, some exceptions, like a newcomer or chronic relapser wanting to go back out, or some other “constructive criticism,” diplomatically and charitably offered (and read a dozen times over to ensure nothing offensive).” And if someone still takes issue, walk away.

Sometimes it’s tougher, harder, and requires more courage and fortitude to “just walk away” than to succumb to the intoxicating passions of righteous rage and anger.

“Anger and resentment, the dubious luxuries of normal people.”

“We cease fighting everything, even alcohol.”

“How important is it really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety?”

(The quotes are approximate, my Big Book is in the other room and I’m too lazy to get up off the couch to get the exact quotes.)

GONE?!?! Deleted!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Why, the nerve…. I oughta go back there and…!

NOTE: This post was taken from a something I had written in an online discussion forum for people in recovery. I edited it somewhat.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Gratitude: Wanting what you have

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In the rooms of AA, I’ve learned that gratitude means “wanting what you have.” At first I had thought this was silly and trite. Of course, I “want what I have!” But upon further thinking it became obvious the trite phrase has a deeper meaning.

In our alcoholism, one drink was never enough. The idea of just having one rarely enjoyed consideration. If one is good, then ten is awesome! Only ten?

And so we eventually found out the detrimental side effects of this attitude. If you’re an alcoholic, you know what those are.

But if you’re in recovery, even for a long while, a type of addictive thinking can still affect you. You may be dissatisfied with your material possessions. What you have isn’t enough. A better car, bigger residence, nicer computer, a smartphone with more bells and whistles, whatever, what you own that actually serves your needs somehow is no longer satisfying.

I think this is still a residual addiction. Although you no longer drink, the addictive side of your personality still craves something more. Not satisfied, it comes up with justifications for wanting more.

Many times in meetings you hear the phrase, “Stick with the winners.” It is good advice for newcomers; they are told to seek out those in sobriety who “have what they want,” namely a good, sustained quality of sobriety. Unfortunately, some use the trappings of materialism to determine that good sobriety. The idea is that after you’ve been sober for a while, you begin to recover many things that were lost, including material wealth. If you never had it, then you’ll get it. It is even inferred in the so-called “Twelve Promises,” found on Page 83 of AA’s “Big Book.” (See the online version at Alcoholics Anonymous. It is available as a PDF.)

Somewhere I’ve heard that to determine who’s a “winner,” you check out the vehicles people drive away from meetings in. The better, the more “successful.” There are other ways of determining material success, of course.

To me, the only real manner in which a person should be judges on their sobriety, how much of a “winner” they are, is how long have they been sober? Do they take life in stride? Have they been the target of a lot of “stuff” that life throws at them? Do they bear their Crosses well?

Although I’ve typically loathed discussions on ‘”gratitude” during meetings, I have now come to realize that gratitude is an essential tool in recovery, for it helps to retard or curtail “addictive thinking” elsewhere, and especially the draw of materialism. In my previous post, Be transformed!, I quoted Jesus’ saying “What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?”

Indeed!

It is not enough to just maintain sobriety, one also has to express gratitude for it, but also for everything else one has in life. If you are truly grateful for what you have, and your needs are consistently supplied, then you will have little desire for the “wants,” as they are rarely what you “need.”

Focusing on your “wants” is an addictive thought process: it means you are not satisfied with your needs, and you want more. Just as “one drink” was never enough, whatever you have in life now may not be enough, even though it adequately supplies your needs.

Think about it. Sometime ago, you got some “things.” They were fine and supplied your needs. Then they no longer did, or so it seemed, and so you got “more things.” After a while, it happened again; they no longer seemed sufficient and you went out and got “still more things.”

Really? Was all that necessary? What was different between the time you had just the “things” and then “more things,” and so on to “still more things?” What changed? Did they really not satisfy your needs, or was the accumulation just serving your “wants?” On Page 559 of AA’s “Big Book” there’s a line that says something like “our needs, which are always satisfied; and our wants, which never are.” I think that is the core. Our “wants” never are satisfied and so we desire “more.” Even though our needs were taken care of. That’s addictive thinking. One drink isn’t enough. Another is needed. And another. And so it is with material possessions. The car we drive isn’t good enough. (Yes it is, we just don’t want to see it. We see people in AA meetings drive better ones and we have to show our success in sobriety and get a newer one.) The computer we have isn’t powerful or fast enough. (Yes it is, we just feel self-conscious when we don’t have the latest Mac or Windows PC. That machine is from 2006???)

I am just putting this out there for consideration and discernment. Just an admonishment towards those who do see success in material terms. I do notice many people in recovery have a more relaxed attitude towards material possessions and are truly grateful for what they have. After all, there’s a reason why “gratitude” is a popular topic in meetings. We need to hear it, perhaps there’s an understanding of the danger in not being grateful for what we have. Especially since many have lost so much.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

The “Page 552 Prayer to End Resentments”

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On Page 552 of the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous (their basic text), there is a very helpful suggestion on how to rid yourself of resentments towards a person.

You pray for them every day for two weeks.

According to the writer of that Big Book chapter, they had held a deep resentment towards someone. They were seeking a way rid themselves of it when they chanced upon a magazine article. In this article a preacher wrote that if one holds a resentment towards someone or something (like a place, maybe), you pray for them every day for two weeks. You pray for their health, happiness and prosperity.

It doesn’t matter if you mean it or not, if it is “just words;” you do it anyway. You will find that by the end of the two weeks, you will come to mean it. This transformation will end the resentment towards that person.

A resentment, as we have learned, means to “re-feel” something; a negative sentiment is maintained, relived and nurtured over time. There’s a pretty good chance that if you are praying daily for their health, happiness and prosperity, this old, negative “sentiment” will erode and disappear.

I tried it and so far it is working. Being the person I am, I may have to do it again concerning this acutely annoying person. But I can attest to the fact that by the end of the two weeks, I genuinely desired “health, happiness and prosperity” for this person.

The writer didn’t give the words to the prayer, just describing the instructions. My prayer went as follows:

“Dear God in Heaven, if it be your holy will, look with favor upon the health, happiness and prosperity of …N…. . I ask You this in the Name of Jesus, the Lord.” (“N” being the name of the person you are praying for.)

That’s all. Simple and to the point. No complicated formula, nothing but a simple request. Although the target is the person you are praying for, in actuality you are praying for the removal of a resentment. Why not just pray for that? “Dear God in Heaven, if it be your holy will, please remove my resentment towards …N… . I ask You this in the Name of Jesus, the Lord.” You could do that. But I think the “Page 552 Prayer” is harder for us as we are doing something difficult. Someone hurt us and now we want good things for them? Sure, God can remove our resentment if we specifically ask for that; but recall the words at the end of the “Lord’s Prayer,”

“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive the trespasses against us.”

In praying for the person that hurt us, we are forgiving them. And thus we are forgiven for anything we might have done to them. The emotional tie is broken, the resentment ceases.

Unless we stoke the fires of it again, so vigilance is needed. Let it rest. Easy, if the person is out of our lives and exists in the past. It is certainly harder if they are not, are still annoying and “things happen” to make the resentment flare up again. If that is the case, just pray harder when you are aware of situations arising that involve them; otherwise avoid them, if possible.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Walk in the dark valley

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The Responsorial Psalm for Monday of the Fifth Week of Lent is:

Even though I walk in the dark valley I fear no evil; for you are at my side.

via USCCB.

We have all been there, this stroll through the dark valley, when all is dark and we feel that there is no hope. We may have reached our “bottom,” that “jumping off place” where we know that if we continue drinking we will die, and if we don’t drink might be afraid to live and wish for death. Or we could be sober for quite a while but are feeling “thirsty” and we are unsure of how to get back on the beam.

We are not alone. The Lord is with us; He stands at the ready, able to help us if only we ask. If we nurture this relationship with Jesus, we shall “fear no evil,” for no threat about us can possibly discourage us from the path we are to tread.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Love Your Enemies

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In the Gospel Reading for Saturday of the First Week of Lent (I had meant to post this yesterday, but was having connectivity issues with the blog)

(Matthew 5:43-48),

Jesus said to his disciples:

“You have heard that it was said,

You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.

But I say to you, love your enemies,

and pray for those who persecute you,

that you may be children of your heavenly Father,

for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good,

and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.

For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have?

Do not the tax collectors do the same?

And if you greet your brothers and sisters only,

what is unusual about that?

Do not the pagans do the same?

So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

via USCCB.

This admonition by Jesus is a very difficult one for us alcoholics to muster the courage for. And yet I think it is essential for our long-term recovery. It is difficult indeed to “love your enemy,” but if we persist it hating “our enemies,” the festering resentments that this implies will only threaten our recovery.

It is hard. I have trouble mustering the courage to forgive those who have hurt me. I periodically go through forgiveness exercises and review my feelings towards people who have hurt me, and struggle to cut loose the emotional bonds to the hurt. It is one thing to pray and forgive them, another to no longer feel the pain they have caused. That, I think, is a sign that forgiveness has settled in, and that the power your “enemies” has over you is over. Your forgive, and you subsequently no longer replay the tapes in your head of the hurt. The bonds are cut and it is behind you. Whether you reconcile is another matter.

And so you go on. Although forgiveness is hard, it is neccessary. As long as you keep trying, chipping away at the bonds of resentment, hate and self-pity, you will make continued progess along the road of happy destiny.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)