Category Archives: Resentment

A Walk With the Novena of Mary Undoer of Knots, Day 9

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Today is Day 9 and thus the final one in our Novena of Mary Undoer of Knots. We ask Mary’s intercession for “this knot in my life…You know very well the suffering it has caused me…”

So, what knot is it? Is it the same one you may have prayed about daily, or one of the more knotty ones from a particular day? (A rhetorical question, don’t post the knot in the comments!)

Ponder, meditate and offer up this knot for Mary to undo. Offer up all the pain, trauma and suffering it has brought into your life. Let Mary’s maternal love work its healing into you…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

A Walk with the Novena of Mary Undoer of Knots, Day 3

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For Day 3 in our daily walk with The Novena of Mary Undoer of Knots we cover “this knot in my life…and all the rancor and resentment it has caused in me…’.

All right, resentment. Whether the rancor in life is caused by us or by others, the resentment that results is one character defect that we alcoholic own (Along with anger; there’s others, but resentment holds a “special” place in our wounded mind.)

Resentment means “to feel again,” as in to “sentiment” again. You hold a grudge. Someone wronged you and you feel it for years. The letting go of it is hard. But letting go is a must.

So we take a look at this knot. What distance that has transpired in time since its creation is unimportant. It happened, the knot was tied, and it still pains you all these years and has caused rifts between you and others.

Use this Novena to ask Mary to help you forgive. As tough as forgiveness may be, it is essential to your salvation (kindly say the “Our Father,” and really think about the passage near the end: “…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive others who trespass against us.” God’s forgiveness of your sins is dependent upon you forgiving others…)

Mary can lead you to the softening of the heart, to the feeling that “what was done was done and the time spent dwelling on it is now over.” For some transgressions the time taken to the act of forgiveness may be long. But as long as you start along the path to forgiving the trespasser, your healing can begin.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Being Fat, Dumb and Happy for Jesus

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Way back in the day when I lived in California I was introduced to the phrase “fat, dumb, and happy.” It is said after you’ve eaten a particularly large and sumptuous meal. I have no idea if that saying is a “California-ism,” but that’s where I first heard and used it.

The thought ocurred to me after overeating this past Thanksgiving holiday that maybe we can be “fat, dumb and happy” for Jesus. Here’s how:

Become fat: gorge yourself on Sacred Scripture, the Catechism and the Sacraments. Read the Bible daily, soak up the Word. Go to Mass daily (if possible) and visit the Blessed Sacrament whenever you can. If a parish nearby has Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration, sign up for a Holy Hour. Go to Confession at least once a month. I go every 2-3 weeks.

Be dumb: Be a fool for Christ. Be counter-cultural. The World has a different understanding on what it meands to be “counter-cultural,” but true counter-cultural attidues and actions run against the World’s transient values and morals. No better way that to live out the prophetic call of the Gospel message. Be Christian. The World will think you’re an idiot, but so what?

Be happy: Living the Gospel is “joyful,” and that is something Pope Francis seems keen on getting across. Jesus is our brother, God our Father, how can that not make us happy? We know we’ve won, all that remains is the mopping up action of winning souls for the Lord and building the Kingdom of God on Earth. We know we will prevail in the end. Again, how can we not be happy? Am I always happy? No! I’m a weak, flawed, fallible human! Daily living gets me down. But oftentimes I rise above it. Perhaps not often enough.

So, start now! Let’s start a Movement! Be Fat, Dumb and Happy for the Lord!

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

The Twelve Steps and Compatibility with Sacramental Confession

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During my interview on the “‘On Call’ with Wendy Wiese” radio show on May 1st there was an Anonymous caller at the end who asked a question on the compatibility of the Twelve Steps with the Catholic Church’s sacramental Confession. As the call was near the end of the show, I didn’t fully engage the question. Upon listening again to the show I caught a deeper sense to Anonymous’ point. Which was:

In the Twelve Steps, you review your life and bring forward all the bad stuff you did. How is that compatible with the teaching that in Confession, God forgives and forgets your sins? I think he meant that if you’ve been confessing your sins to a priest all along, why bother going through the moral inventory of Step 4 and sharing it with another in Step 5? (As well as the follow up Steps along the way.) If God forgives and forgets in Confession, what is the point of doing the Steps?

I am assuming a few things. One, is that the person in question has not dropped the practice of the Faith during their drinking career. Many do. In the context of the caller’s question, it seems as if the hypothetical person was still going to Confession and probably confessing all of their alcoholic transgressions. This is fine. They were forgiven. The slate was clean. However, chances are they committed those sins all over again. In my experience, and in the testimony of priests who generalize what they hear in Confession, many people commit and confess the same sins time and time again, whether they are addicts or not.

Another thing: although Catholics are supposed to do a thorough Examination of Conscience in preparation for Confession, I think few actually go very deep and try and get at the underlying root causes of their sins. This is the intended purpose of the Twelve Steps, particularly the Fourth one. We have to uncover not only the bad things we’ve done, but we must understand why we did them, so as to comprehend how our alcoholism affected our lives and the lives of those around us. We do that fearless and searching moral inventory not only to clean up our past and make amends, but to see the patterns and commonalities or all of our sins. We get at what triggered our behavior so we can make the required changes in our lives. Whether our past behavior involved consistently broken relationships, an inability to hold a job, or just not being able to finish “big dreams,” we see in our Fourth Step all the bad we have done, and also why. So even though we may have confessed these sins and have been forgiven, we still need to address them in the context of the Twelve Steps.

Why? So we can forgive ourselves. That may sound trite and New Age-y, but if we do not forgive ourselves we run the risk of not being able to shed our resentments over these past failures. “We remember the past, but do not close the door on it,” to paraphrase a line from AA’s “Big Book.” We close the door on our past out of shame or fear. If we forgive ourselves, we have no need to close that door to our past. We can remember it as it made us whom we are today, and we can look ourselves in the mirror because we learned from our past. And we can bring what we learned to others.

So yes, God forgives us and forgets our sins when we go to Confession; but when we work the Twelve Steps, we can forgive and forget them, too.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

The Catholic Church, 12 Step Movements and Resentments

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There was a question and/or comment during my interview on the “‘On Call’ with Wendy Wiese” radio show regarding the Catholic Church and the validity or efficacy of 12 Step Movements.

The basic contention of the caller (I think it was “Tom from Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Treatment Centers”) was that I was dismissing AA and that Catholics shouldn’t use it. He suggested that because the Church sends priests and nuns to 12 Step meetings, or priests tell ordinary parishioners with a drinking problem to go to AA, that fully legitimizes the 12 Step movement and suggestions to the contrary are undeserved.

Yes, but up to a point. I think that people are automatically sent to AA because it is basically the only game in town. AA has been around since 1935, and while there are other recovery programs with a broad range of approaches, AA is the best known and is the default option because of that. It is like when you have a headache, you’re told to take an aspirin. If you have an allergic reaction to something, you go take an antihistamine. Same sort of thing; although there are other options, AA is the best known and the obvious choice for many.

The point that I have been trying to make since I began Sober Catholic in 2007 is that 12 Step movements may be a threat to your Catholic faith if you are not well grounded in it. If you have been drinking or drugging for decades, chances are good that you haven’t practiced your faith much in that time. Most likely you do not know it very well. Therefore, you are easily swayed by the notion that, “all churches are the same;” that “it doesn’t matter what you believe in, as long as you believe in something.” Many Catholics leave the Faith because they do not know what they are leaving. The caller mentioned that he has found that Catholics mostly leave because they found Jesus in other Churches. Well, the Catholic Church has a lot to answer for, bad catechesis is one of the big ones Church leaders at any level will have to account for. But the rank-and-file Catholics who leave should also attempt to know what they are leaving. No Jesus in the Catholic Church? Oh, really?? Have you looked?

Eucharist

Which leads me to another thing: virtually all alcoholics have resentments. Among Catholics, these resentments often include the Church. And yet in my many observations in the rooms of AA, ex-Catholics never seem to address these resentments versus the Church. It is almost as if they seek to maintain them in order to establish a type of credibility as “recovering Catholics,” who’s spiritual development no longer includes an archaic and stuffy “organized religion”, especially now that they’ve embraced 12 Step spirituality.

Catholics well grounded and versed in their faith don’t suffer from this. They can be exposed to 12 Step Spirituality and filter out anything incompatible with Catholicism.

Twelve Steps can be a fine way to establish one’s sobriety. After a fashion it may need to be shed. Just like you don’t need aspirin after the headache is gone, or an antihistamine once you stop sneezing, once you’ve achieved a nice level of sobriety, you may not need to continue attending meetings.

What is a “nice level of sobriety?” Perhaps once you’ve recovered what you lost (family, health, job) and have learned to react to things without the crutch of booze.

If, afterwards, you feel the need to continue meeting attendance to “give back,” then fine. Gratitude is awesome. However, if your Catholic faith has become instrumental in your sobriety, and you can maintain sobriety without meeting attendance, then maybe take advantage of this level of freedom. Since you don’t “need a meeting,” but are only going out of gratitude, then perhaps make an attempt to add something to your 12 Step work. Find the weak Catholic or ex-Catholic members of the Group, seek them out and perhaps evangelize them. Answer their questions about the faith and perhaps draw them back in. This needn’t have to be done in violation of the Traditions of the 12 Step movement, you can engage them in the little informal meetings and chats that take place outside the rooms. Show them how the Mass and the Sacraments, devotion to Saints and other traditional practices of the Faith were key in your sobriety.

Become “fishers of people.” Go after the “lost sheep.” So what, if they’re now members of a different Church? Engage them. It will take a long time, but you will be rewarded greatly by your Father in Heaven when you come Home.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

To Bury the Dead

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To bury the dead is the last of the Corporal Works of Mercy. It is an act of kindness, and of hope in the resurrection of all when Jesus return to judge the living and the dead.

The graves remind us always of our last end, and that there is an eternity afterwards. Time spent in a cemetery is time well spent both honoring those buried there, as well as reminding ourselves of our own mortality.

Bury the dead. In a metaphorical context applied to this blog, it can also mean to bury our past. Our past is back there, dead, but not forgotten. We no longer live back there, but we can remember the pain.

What do we do with the time remaining? As alcoholics and addicts we had lost considerable time to our addiction. Time can be redeemed by learning from our mistakes and applying that knowledge to the future. It is called “experience.” We can take what we know and teach it to others.

If you click on the image below, you’ll be taken to the “Works of Mercy” store at Artist4God (my wife’s online shop.) Buy anything from the “Works of Mercy” store and a portion of the proceeds go to life-affirming charities.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Recovering Catholics

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One thing has repeatedly disturbed me in the over 10 years of sobriety that I have.

That thing is the phrase “Recovering Catholic.”

I encountered that phrase quite a lot yesterday and today when I revisited an online recovery community called In The Rooms. I joined a few years ago, never did much with it, but recently felt called to see it again and maybe participate more.

One thing that I hope to do this time around is seek out members of my Faith. My Faith has been extremely important to me in my recovery from alcohol. My Catholicism is tightly wrapped up in my experience, strength and hope.  I figure that if I can connect to other Catholics here, I might find more of a reason to stay. Not that I am uninterested in non-Catholic members, far from it, I’ll be a friend with anyone who is sincere. But I may find an additional incentive to stick around if I can meet other fellow Catholics.

And so I did a search up there in the search area for “Catholic.” I found a bunch of people. It seems that the ITR search engine found anyone who had the term “Catholic” in his or her profile.

And often the word “Catholic” was right after the word “Recovering.”

To me, that term is mean-spirited and hurtful. It also means that the people identifying themselves as one have unresolved issues with the Church. What do 12 Step Programs say about such things? I forget the exact quote in AA’s “Big Book,” but there is something in it about how anger and resentment are two things that alcoholics (and by modern extension, any addict) cannot afford.

They are dangerous landmines. These unresolved issues are just waiting to bite you and perhaps be the trigger for a relapse. Any resentment or unresolved issue needs to be addressed.

Why the term “Recovered Catholic” anyway? Catholicism is an ancient and deep religion and spirituality that has been one of the primary architects of Western civilization. There is much within it that is useful to anyone in recovery. If a person has been harmed by the Church, whether by abuse (of any kind), or they were raised “too strict,” or they have difficulties with the Church’s teachings, all these need to be explored and dealt with.

Regarding abuse: individuals caused it. Not the Church as an institution. Granted, the Church badly fumbled and stumbled in reforming and dealing with abuse. Those who abused, covered up the abuse, and did other wrongs will eventually suffer just punishment. I am by no means soft-pedaling a serious and critical issue. But the lasting anger and resentment that victims feel years later are hardly a “healing.” There are resources available with the Church and outside that can assist people in healing from abuse. It may take years, but the process should be started, and take as long as it needs to take. Otherwise you’re never completely “recovered” from what happened.

If they were raised by “too strict” parents (or taught by too “tough” nuns), so what? That was the parent’s fault. Why did they feel so strongly about the Faith that they drove it home so hard? Perhaps you can learn from authentic and legitimate Catholic sources as to what the Church teach, and more importantly why She teaches that. Your eyes, heart and mind may be opened. Tell you the truth, I was raised Catholic by my parents, my father was rather strict (less so with me than with my much older siblings). I had enough and left the Church. I wandered about a spiritual desert for maybe 15 years before returning. I am grateful that I did. The Church saved my life. Maintaining a harsh attitude against the Church for how Her teachings were inculcated in you is hardly a sign of one in a good recovery (from an addiction. Again that “resentment” word.)

If it is difficulty with Church teachings, then the same advice: learn from authentic and legitimate Catholic sources as to what the Church teaches, and more importantly why. You may understand.

This all takes honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. It also takes humility.

Many people in recovery find their religious faith (Catholic or otherwise) to be of immense help. Going 12 Step-only does not always work, many people need something more. To identify yourself in a manner that bashes another religion is counter-productive and just plain impolite. It is harmful to others, particularly members of that Faith to whom it may be important), and ultimately paints yourself as an individual who may have a shaky recovery (no matter how long sober and clean.)

If you cannot fully deal with and resolve issues from your past, then how can you be of help to others?

The point is, that no matter what the source is for a person’s use of the term “Recovering Catholic,” it does signify something that needs to be addressed and resolved. Something deep inside is still hurting. Honesty and humility are useful tools in doing this. You may not ever return to the Catholic Church, but perhaps the hate, anger and resentment will fade.

Forgiveness and perhaps even reconciliation are ultimately needed. Many “in the rooms” say the Lord’s Prayer during meetings, or on their own. You may want to take a look at the line towards the end:

“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others who trespass against us.”

It basically means that God will not forgive you of your sins against Him or against others, unless you also forgive others of their sins against you. It is tough. Forgiveness may be the toughest thing anyone can do. If it was easy, the world would be a far more peaceful place.

Some things to ponder.

If any reader is a member of ITR, here is my profile at “In The Rooms”.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

You will not be tried beyond your strength

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Quite often in 12 Step meetings and elsewhere it is said that “God will not allow you to be tried or tested beyond your strength or limits.”

It is Scriptural, therefore reliable and true.

1 Corinthians 10:13: No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.

(Via USCCB NABRE.)

All of our trials are the result of human error and folly. Our lack of cooperation with God’s will introduces friction in our lives, and our human frailty and selfishness furthermore mucks up the works. God permits these things to happen due to His respect for our free will and for the opportunity for us to accept these crosses as proof of our discipleship. We screw up, we turn to Him.

One thing I did not know was the part about “…He will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.” This is even more comforting. The answer lies within the problem. His hand is somewhere in there guiding us, we have to just see it and reach out.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Hey… Dad?…. you wanna have a catch?

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Ray: “(choking back tears) Hey… Dad?…. you wanna have a catch?”

Dad: “I’d like that…”

Field Of Dreams: catch.mp3

(Via MovieWavs Page.)

That line and scene from the “Field of Dreams” movie always gets to me.

My father is dead, and I’ll never play catch with him again (unless we meet again in Heaven).

Playing catch with my Dad was one of the happiest experiences with him I had when I was a child.

We did not part on the best of terms, but that is all in the past. I feel he is watching over me from Heaven, and is probably wondering why I am wasting a perfectly good sunny day sitting inside typing on my computer, when I can be outside doing something in the yard. (Unless there was a baseball game on TV, that might merit staying in. But we don’t have cable or satellite TV, so that’s out. 🙁 The Yankees might be on the radio, but I hate the Yankees. 😉 )

Later…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Gratitude: Wanting what you have

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One of my least favorite 12 Step meeting topics is “gratitude”. Not that I am not grateful for anything in sobriety, for I have plenty to be grateful for. My main issue whenever this topic is brought up is that quite often the attendees just launch into a list of the things they are grateful for. Much of it is common to all even when the sharer does personalize it with special items. Nevertheless, such “gratitude” listings are boring (to me) and miss the point.

First, the idea that anyone needs to hear something about gratitude. Does this person feel a nostalgia for the days of drinking? Are they taking their sober life for granted and therefore need to be reminded of what can be lost if they do return? Do they not see very well the things around them that they have attained as a result of their sobriety? Do they just want to boast about their sobriety (“Oh, look at me, see how much I’VE got!”)

Someone at a 12-Step meeting with the topic of gratitude I attended long ago introduced something besides a list of what he was grateful for. He mentioned something along the lines of gratitude as being an attitude. He concluded with the notion that gratitude simply means that you want what you already have.

We alcoholics have an impatient streak. Even after a sustained period of sobriety we sometimes fall back into the “I want what I want and I want it now” attitude. We are impatient with what we already have and seek to attain or achieve something else that would make us better or happier. Just like back in the days of our drinking we needed “just one more”, what we have now is not enough and we seek something more to satisfy a hole in our soul.

“Wanting what you already have” is a great way of humbly accepting that which has come into your life and genuinely appreciating it. It is also an excellent way of living a moderate life and not a life driven to excess and conspicuous consumption. In other words, greed.

Sometimes the words “and thanking God for it” are added to the definition of gratitude. “Gratitude means wanting what you already have and thanking God for it.” A nice reminder as from where all good things come from, and to Whom we owe our sobriety to.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)